The Entangled Times

“You’re a wimp!”, the black and dark side of me yelled upon me.

Yes, there’s a black side of me. I call it black because it dissuades me. It doesn’t dishearten me but deters me. These are the times when I want to be all with myself and shout aloud like a tipsy. The times when I want to self-orient but when I wish somebody to be on my side. Somebody to listen me only without interrupting me but stay glued. Somebody who asks me to get uncontrolled but keeps me calm. Somebody.

Sometimes, when I feel shattered like the tiny pieces of a broken glass. The times I just want to accomplish my ambitions but then I feel like a failure. A failure who has achieved nothing. A failure blindly walking in the dark. These times, I want somebody to guide me but not to persuade me. Somebody to believe me but not to call me weak. Somebody to hold me strong. Somebody who can bring me back my lost faith.

Would I be a coward, if I want that somebody?

Would I be a dependent woman?

Would I be a languid if I want to tell somebody everything?

Yes, that’s how people conclude. But No. ‘Cause not everybody is that somebody.

Sometimes, the black and brunet me overtakes the cheerful me. When I start rushing into things to rescue myself from the labyrinth.The times when I try to escape and run away from the problems. The problems whose solution I know of but I'm too wrecked to try them. It doesn't mean I don't fight with the problems and crunches but sometimes, well, when I'm doomed. The times when I’m good for nothing but only causing harm. The times when I start losing myself. When I start doubting myself and my skills. The moments of panicky. I’m not scared but only uncertain. When the hopeful me starts getting fade. When there’s a complete uninterested and pessimistic me. I ain’t any immature who doesn’t know how to tackle the troubles. But sometimes, when the times of solitary and the downfalls come. 

I will walk by the streets of dusk somehow,

I will pass past the days of gloom,

Soon the sunshine will come over me bright,

The tides in the sea won’t hinder my way,

Cause this time won't last long.

Image Source: Google Images

One day, everything will be fine

One day, everything will be fine
My tiny little brown eyes will find your blue beady eyes at some place,
The place where there will be nobody but us.
The tides in the sea will be strong,
But they'll only throw me closer to you.
You'll be arrogant as the world says a lawyer is,
You'll say, “I don't like engineers",
But I'll somehow convince you and your love.

One day everything will be fine
I'll be standing next to you,
You'll hold my shivering hands with my fingers tangled into yours warmly the way you did on our first date,
But this time, it's not the cold but the nervousness.
I'll put my heels over your boots,
Your hands across my waist cutting down the distance between us,
Everybody will be looking at us, but their presence will not be a distraction.

One day, everything will be fine
I'll be standing in front of your grave in my blue embroidered gown you gifted me on our 45th anniversary,
Your grandchildren will embrace your soul,
I'll ask the driver to take them home.
Once again, it will only be us, 
I'll hand you the first copy of the book you wanted me to write twenty years back in time.
I won't forget to bring your favourite red wine,
I'll read the book for you under the shade of stars,

Moon will shine bright endorsing our love.
You'll have a lot of questions as you always have,
But I will not let you ask them,
'Cause the book will only be an excuse but the night will be about us.
We'll share wine, we’ll share love that we do every year, every day and every moment
One day, everything will be fine

TRANSFORMATIONS...

Meeting some relatives after a long time of whom she is not even sure of, they usually say, “Kal hi ki baat lagti h, kitni choti si thi tum. Aur ab dekho kitni badi ho gayi. (It seems like a thing of yesterday when you were a small kid. And now see, how much you have grown up.) No. It wasn’t a thing of yesterday. She hasn’t grown in 1-2 days. Nobody does. She is living her last teen and it really took that much time to reach here. On 8^th August 1997 at 1:16pm, one bloomy afternoon, a crying baby girl of the size equal to a medium-sized pizza lying over her mumma’s lap happily and heedlessly and unknown of everything and everyone with her daddy caressing her forehead fondly to now, she has learnt to make them smile. From crawling on her knees to dancing in heels, she has endured heights. From stealing siblings’ chocolates and candies, she now plans surprises and gifts for them. It truly took 19 years to get here. All the lessons the life taught her. All the situations she has experienced. She knows living beings out there will judge her. But that doesn’t matter. It’s their job. They are doing it awfully good. They will suppress her. They will encourage her. They will comment on her. They will remain silent. They will fight for her. They will fight against her. All she needs to do is shout out on herself, for herself. Fear is what she needs to win over and fight against. It’s not the fear of world. But it’s the fear of running from life. Fear of being lost. Fear of getting disheartened. From having tiny little hands to big palms, her foot now fit into daddy’s shoes. From drawing irrelevant things on walls to assuring her sketch book’s safety, she has gotten the winds of importance of things. Fighting over to remain silent and vice versa, being both submissive and a leader are crucial. One day everything will make sense. She’ll always be an amateur, ‘cause learning never ends.

Life is not Transformations, instead Transformations make Life. Once a failure is now a sophomore. 

IT IS BETTER TO LIVE...

I was walking down the aisle when I heard a man saying to his child who seemed to be 12-15 years old, “Son, Live your life as life wants you to live, do as life asks you to do. One day we are all gonna die. So, why take risks?!” He was right. Why lay on the line when we could die at any moment. We should serve the life the way life bids us to. We should live like a normal human being.

I was still in my deep thoughts while I was waiting for my friend at the bar since 15 minutes. I noticed a guy in white collared shirt and pitch-black denims talking with the waitress. “BIG Day, huh?”, the waitress asked pointing to the five bottles of champagne he just ordered. “Yeah! It’s actually her BIG day...” the guy answered heading to a girl who was sitting at the corner table at the window side view with other 10 or 12 people. I could see the smile on her face and the big heap of gifts and bouquets that had taken an entire sofa for themselves. “Congratulations Sir! We have special birthday party packages with a free cake and accessories, if you want?”

“No no...It’s not her birthday. We are celebrating her victory that she had been working hard for long four years.” The guy said smiling and boasting a little.

“Ohh, that’s so Great Sir! Congratulations once again!”

I turned around and looked at her again. I noticed the tiara she was wearing  seeming no less than a crown and perfectly outlining her forehead. A queen of the evening. A queen of her dreams.

What if she had accepted the life’s fate 4 years ago? I asked myself.

What if she led a life that life wanted her to?

What if she chose to live like a normal human being 4 years ago?

Would she be able to live her BIG day today?

NO.

Would she ever become the queen of her dreams, her destiny?

NO.

Instead, she would curse her job every single day. She would become the duck of fate, complaining life every moment, blaming herself and others for every undesirable thing.

Would any promotion or the biggest position in her job ever give her the smile she had today?

A BIG NO.

She chose to be an eagle. She roared. She WON.

“But she is going to die anyway! What she chose to be 4 years ago will just become a memory and gossip for others after her death! Some will say awful while others will talk of sympathy. Will it really make the difference?”

YES. IT WILL. Because she is not just gonna die but she will die with PRIDE. She didn’t just spend her life, but she LIVED it. And then I got my answers. Just spending life, accepting the fate and walk along the destiny and give up on my dreams is killing myself way before death knocks my door. It’s nonetheless making me nonexistent in my life. Life is a HARD level riddle whose strands are twisted with each other. It’s perplexing. I’ll might get dumbfound. But there’s always a solution for every puzzle. And so it is for this. 

Numbers in Biology

“Okay students! Today we will start our new unit, i.e., Diversity in Living Organisms. In this chapter, we will be studying the five kingdoms, i.e., Monera, Protista, Fungi, Plantae and Animalia. We will be studying their classifications on the basis of similarities and differences in the method of their arrangement....”, and Mr. Singh taught us for straight fifty-five minutes. Mr. Singh was a biologist who used to practice his teaching in a government school and later in the evening took tuitions at his home. After the class was dismissed, Amit who was taking biology classes from Mr. Singh past four months introduced me to his friends since it was my first day at the tuition. While Amit was introducing me to his friends (whose names I don’t remember), I was looking at the quietest guy of the class. He had already started walking by. ‘Amit, who’s that guy?’ I whispered in Amit’s ears. ‘Oh! That’s Sarim. He is Mr. Singh’s favourite student. He doesn’t talk much. He is kinda the-attitude-guy. Everybody calls him Saddu.’Amit said chuckling. In the next class, I somehow managed to sit opposite to Sarim. Biology never interested me much. Neither did Mr. Singh. I can look at Sarim and read his different face expressions for the entire class. Sarim never tried to talk to me. Neither did I. But we always pass each other a smile (always, me being the first one to smile stupidly). After the 5^th class, when we all came downstairs, I shouted ‘Sariiiimmmmmm’. He turned around. Said nothing. Saddu. ‘Hey! I am Ananya’.

‘Yeah! I know that. Heard other people calling you by this name.’

‘Do you know other people call you Saddu?!’ I said sarcastically.

‘Yeah! Well that doesn’t really matter to me as long as I’m good for myself.’

‘Are you going to show any interest in the further conversation or Shall I leave?’ I asked almost not looking at him.

‘Heyyy! Don’t take me wrong. This is the problem with most of the people. They think me having attitude shows my disinterest in making friends. And then they call me ‘Saddu’. But it’s really not that way.’

‘It’s okay’. I giggled. We talked for another 15 fifteen minutes when daddy came to pick me up. ‘Bye bye’. With every second I spend talking with him, I fell more for him. He’s not Saddu. I thought. He’s really cute. He’s shy actually unlike other guys. He’s different. He’s intelligent. He’s cute. I remember the every single moment we had together. From then on, we both greeted each other with a smile with an addition of ‘Hi’ (now, he being the first to say).

In the tuition class, Amit and I were discussing some random people from school. He was telling me about his football match that he had that day. We stopped laughing when Mr. Singh asked me to stand from my place and  to shift my chair next to him. Actually, I was sitting between Sarim and Mr. Singh then. Sarim had his position fixed. While Mr. Singh was teaching us the stupid biology, I noticed Sarim. He was writing some numbers on the top of his register. I ignored initially. He turned the page. He wrote the same number on the top of this new page again. This happened for five times. Five times same number on the top of every new page he turned. Giving him response that time might show my desperation (which wasn’t  there any).

‘Ananya, Hi’, he said when the class was dismissed.

‘Hi’

‘I wrote my number for you today in the class. Didn’t you notice?’

‘I did.’

‘Then why didn’t you write it?’, he asked.

‘Well, let’s just say that I’m good with numbers’. I smiled. He grinned.

‘Okay. BTW we can talk now.’

‘I thought you would want my number in exchange!’ I said almost teasing him. We both laughed.